I'm Losin' It!

SIGH

2008-07-30T09:25:00.001+03:00

Feeling better day by day though obviously not completely over 'it'. I have decided to seriously look into the lapband sugery option.

I am so disappointed with myself for letting everything fall by the wayside while I was sick. I also think though that (for me personally) I am possibly setting myself up to fail by taking on so many changes at once. Adressing what to eat, when, and how much. Trying to get into regular exercise and trying to manage sabotaging thoughts and emotional eating habits. I can definately do all of this, but as soon as another factor is added, like a major stress or sickness, it all comes undone.

The logical approach would be to focus with one at a time, develop the skills and habits and then move onto another area - I just have such an all or nothing personality!So, the plan is to get back to the cognitive therapy workbook and make that my focus. I will try and be aware of what I eat and also try to be more physically active, but will really make the workbook my main concern. I think I might start from the day 3 again. Oh, and the journal as well.

SICK

2008-07-20T11:53:00.000+03:00

Sick as a dog...willpost again when I am feeling a bit better.

:-(

2008-07-16T08:37:00.000+03:00

DAY 11

2008-07-13T21:21:00.003+03:00

Having MIL here and T home all the time was a challenge, and while I am a bit sad that I wasn't more focused and applying my new thinking habits, I am quite pleased that I didn't go completely off the rails, which is exactly what I have done every other time I have found myself in this situation. Mind you, the caramel frappacinno is getting close - but I did drink it sitting down at a designated snack time!

Not 100% sure why I am feeling so tired. Having a period for 2 weeks isn't great, the metformin is making me nauseous, and the weather is very hot, everyday over the 40's. Perhaps a combination of everything.

Tomorrow I will start week two of my workbook, as well as a 2 week challenge to lose 2 kg. I am going to start reducing the amount of bread I have been eating. Feel free to comment if I eat too much wheat flour!

DAY 10

2008-07-12T21:27:00.002+03:00

I'm feeling incredibly tired and somewhat unmotivated today.

I have noticed that I can't allow myself to get too hungry at this stage - I almost frenzy eat once food is available and inevitably eat too much. That happened last night and today at lunch.

I am enjoying the meals out that we are having while the MIL is here. Nice not to have to cook.

I didn't exercise, but did do quite a bit of walking around the shops, 2 hours worth. I went shopping while the others went to the movies to see WALL.E. Apparently it was a great movie, but it was nice just to have some alone me time. I bought a new top. Trying on clothes made me feel a bit miserable.

DAY 9

2008-07-11T21:30:00.002+03:00

An easier day, although feeling hungry all day and as a result - grumpy. Then overate at dinner, my stomach feels like I have a lead balloon in it. Only saving grace was that the food was all good - Lebanese.

Having a hard time remembering to take my meds. Have had a period for a week and a half now as I forgot to take the pill for 3 days and it started up again just as it was finishing. Feeling quite tired, I expect that that might have contributed.

+tives

Made time to exercise and pushed myself a bit harder that I wanted to go. Quite upset to see how much fitness I have lost. When I arrived here 6 months ago I was running on the treadmill, now a brisk walk is hard.

Recieved some great advice - thank you.

-tives

Just felt hungry and deprived all day. Managed to stick to eating a scheduled times, but then doubted if this was the best approach.

DAY 8

2008-07-10T21:27:00.004+03:00

A challenging day today.

My mother-in-law arrived today and I allowed the change in daily routine to stop me from exercising. Absolutely no reason not to. I did get a fairly reasonable work out getting the house looking nice and pretty though.

Was incredibly grumpy feeling. I didn't get to eat at regular times and restricted what I did eat for appearances sake - which compounded the problem. Interestingly, this denial of food because of others made me want to go and eat something particularly bad. Hmmmmm.

I picked up some fruit/biscuit bars for L while supermarket shopping with MIL, she commented that they were loaded with sugar. I had chosen them because I am clearing the house of nice stuff and felt that there should be something nice for L now and then - and these bars I personally don't like. Tim said something along the lines of "isn't there something healthier". I put them back on the shelf and told him he could choose something and left them to it. I felt that MIL wouldn't have made this comment if I were not obese. That started the foul mood. Tim in the end chose something that has waaaay more sugar + chocolate, and of course I LOVE them. :-(

On the positive side, we had a really late dinner and I was very hungry. While I was preparing the salad I went to put a bit of cucumber in my mouth and then stopped. Rationalised that although the cucumber was in no way a problem food, eating anything while preparing meals at this stage would be no help in trying to establish a new routine. Great positive inner voicing me!

2008-07-09T22:04:00.001+03:00

White Tārā, known for compassion, long life, healing and serenity; also known as The Wish-fulfilling Wheel, or Cintachakra

DAY 7

2008-07-09T22:01:00.002+03:00

Not a particularly good day, but not a write off either. Felt lethargic and didn't put the effort into the workbook that I needed to.

My task today was to organise my environment, getting rid of any tempting food. I had done that quite recently so there wasn't too much to do. I am not sure that eating the offending items was the best idea though.

Positives
I definately felt tired and lazy and did not do much all day, but did make myself go for a swim with L and do my resistance dvd.Resisted the urge to snack.

Challenges
Not addressing negative attitude and following through with my workbook.

DAY 6

2008-07-08T22:16:00.003+03:00

Not a bad day today.

Decided today to stick to eating no more than 6 times per day ie not grazing or snacking. I allowed myself to eat what i wanted during the designated times but still found it very hard. By the time it came to give L her dinner I was quite agitated and very grumpy. I have decided to either eat with L or let L stay up a bit later and have us all eat together.

POSITIVES
I did exercises today when I didn't want to. I didn't graze and stuck to the eating schedule.

Today's BSD was to make plans with my diet coach, which I did yesterday, so today I focused on being mindful of my food. For two meals I sat alone and chewed every bite thoroughly, sipped water slowly and put my cutlery down regularly. I did feel full by the end of each meal which I can't say has happened very often without eating an enormous amount of food.

CHALLENGES
One of the other problems I have is always looking for something better. I was really convinced that a low carb diet would be the absolute best choice for me, however, having looked somewhat into a diet based on raising serotonin, think that might be better. Then when looking for that book in the bookshop come across Dr Northrup's book, and after a quick flick through noted that PCOS meds treat the symptom not the cause - now I am questioning everything. Perhaps this is all a way of not committing to lose weight??

DAY 5

2008-07-07T21:31:00.002+03:00

Not a particularly good day today. I did not acheive my BDS task and I felt like snacking all day (and did) and am now doubting my ability to get my health and body back into shape.

Some positives today though. I did sit each time I ate. I did talk myself out of having another piece of toast mid afternoon. Have identified one of my sabotaging thoughts as "I need to have this today because I will be back on track tomorrow (and forever) and will never be able to have something this delicious again" - or something along those lines. Also asked my sister to be my diet coach. I did do the exercise I had planned to do and more.

I think I will try to get out of the house tomorrow. Eating is about the only interesting áctivity apart from art. I will try and make myself paint.

DAY 4

2008-07-06T21:35:00.003+03:00

FEEDBACK FOR DAY 4
DIET
try to drink more water nope, drank a bit but not enough
restrict eating to 5 x day nope, the morning was good but the afternon/evening I was feeling hungry
EXERCISE
20 mins yoga yes, and a bit more
BDS
Day 4 yes!

Feeling a bit of nausea off and on, I am assuming it is the Metformin. Still wanting to eat a lot without the upset tummy though. Managed to stick to my plan of only eating sitting down (except for 1 cherry) - I think that helps a lot. I am really enjoying just eating what the rest of the family is eating. Today I had white wheat products at every meal - loved it, but I know that I won't feel well if I continue to eat so much refined flour. It would be nice one day just to live striking a nice balance.

Am getting good support from 'buddies' also wanting to lose weight at the Daily Strength website. It does help to know that I am able to share this with someone and that I am not doing everything completely on my own.

The WW dvd recommends doing the dvd only every second day to allow the muscles to repair. I have decided to do walking or yoga on the off days. I had a yoga dvd and so did it for the first time. Very frightening, my movements are so restricted. I think I am going to have to reconsider the yoga.

The BDS topic for the day is Build Your Confidence. From this day onwards I am going to give myself credit for even the little things that I do to help my situation, develop strategies for reminding myself to do this, and to counteract self critisism and sabotaging thoughts. I really have to start listening to those little thoughts in my mind. At this point I am not thinking about what I eat - I just seem to do it without thinking.

I am going to get my bracelet fixed and start using it as a charm bracelet with a charm for every 5kg. A constant reminder of successes. I am also going to write down at least one thing I do each day that makes me proud of myself.

Today's I did good

Today I worked on my weight loss blog and got it up to date. I wrote in this journal when I didn't really want to, ditto for doing some exercise. Good on me!

GOALS FOR DAY 5 - the same as day 4

DAY 3

2008-07-05T23:34:00.002+03:00

Following a diet in the BDS Plan doesn't start until the second week. In that time I am going to try eating like (I would consider) a normal person would eat. No carb restrictions, the occasional bit of chocolate, etc. It will be interesting to see what happens with my weight now that I am on the Metformin.

I was considerably more physical today. I think it helped that I did my exercises in the morning rather than later in the day.

Sit Down To Eat The task in BDS today was about appreciating food and making a change from this point on, to SIT when eating every morsel of food. This makes a whole lot of sense to me as I graze a lot. It will be really hard too, as I think a lot of my eating when preparing food is unconscious and habitual.

I discovered a helpful strategy by accident today. My daughter recieved a lot of lollies and chocolates from her teacher as an end of year present. She has been in the fridge all day - sneakily as she knows she is limited to just a couple of treats a day. So, I locked the fridge. I found that it worked for me because I have to actually aknowlege that I am about to eat something and then think about whether I need to be doing it or not

DAY 2

2008-07-05T23:32:00.001+03:00

Today is a step up on yesterday as I managed to get in some exercise. I am going to follow an old WW dvd I have which is 10 mins of resistance and 5 mins stretching. I remember just a year ago when I found this too easy to do. Now it got me breathing quite hard - quite shocking really.

I was feeling quite hungry most of the day which is a concern as I thought the Metformin would reduce my appetite. Today has not been a great food day, nor have I had enough water to drink.

Commit To A Diet Plan The BDS is going well. I like the approach. Today's task was to decide on a diet and also a backup diet. I have chosen a low carb approach (dairy free) with recipes from The X Factor Diet, Syndrome X, The Ultimate New York Diet and The Power of Protein as my recipe sources. My back up plan will be any low carb plan including recipes with dairy.

Another task was to come up with modifications to allow me to stay on the diet no matter what. For me this will mean switching to phase II or III recipes; allowing treats of the occasional piece of good quality chocolate, fruit or cup of coffee. I also managed to read though my list of reasons to lose weight a couple of times today.

DAY 1

2008-07-05T23:30:00.002+03:00

In terms of diet and exercise, not such a great day, but I have followed the Beck Diet Solution and feel good about that.

Today was about creating a list of reasons to lose weight. and putting them in strategic places. Setting times to read the list at least once daily.

I will definately have to factor in some eexercise and I am not as physical with Lilli off school as I am when I am by myself.

FINAL TRY

2008-07-05T23:20:00.003+03:00

Since arriving in Bahrain I have put back on 7kg - I just don't seem to be able to manage the carb cravings.

After consulting with a specialist, I am now taking Metformin for insulin resistance and Yasmin oral contraceptive to manage hormones. the diagnosis is PCOS, insulin resistance and fatty liver.

Over the next 3 months I am going to take a multi approach for finally losing this weight. If this doesn't work I am goiung to look ionto lapband surgery.

My approach will be:

medication
low carb diet
resistance exercise daily
cognitive behavioural therapy workbook
stress management
accountability

A FRESH NEW START

2008-07-05T16:17:00.003+03:00

Bahrain

2007-12-11T20:45:00.000+03:00

Lilli and I leave for Bahrain today!!

A nasty couple of weeks and I had 1 and a half hours sleep last night I can't wait to get on that plane. Fingers crossed that Lilli will sleep.

Next time I write I will be there!

Until then...

poll update

2007-11-25T00:30:00.000+03:00

Thank you to those who voted!

Lipstick - nude gloss.

Nose - no peircings until I am so sure I don't have to ask others opinions! LOL

freakin' out man!

2007-11-25T00:18:00.000+03:00

Just over two weeks to go before Lilli and I leave to join Tim. The renovations are not finshed. I do not have someone to rent the house. The garden is overgrown. I am only 1/4 of the way through packing the house up and I can't even see an end to the other bits and pieces that need to be done - change of address notifications etc. Was hoping to cut back on a few days of work, but that is not happening either - am working up to the day before I go.

I am getting very stressed and so am going to be kind to myself for the next two weeks. Takeaways are definately right up there. Exercise might be limited as I am going to be very tired.

I will try and make good food choices and try to exercise when I can. I will also try not to rely too much on coffee - but even as I type this, I know that is not going to happen. I am just goiong to have to endure another detox - after Christmas :-)

If I don't post much in the next two weeks, you'll know why! It is all very exciting though - lucky me!!!!!!!!!

Lipsick

2007-11-22T11:30:00.000+03:00

OMG...I went on a huge shopping spree today - all for me! Felt a little bit worried about ringing Tim to explain the significant reduction in our family account.

On a whim, had my eyes 'done' at the Chanel counter. Liked them - they look better than in the photos! The consultant talked me into trying a red lipstick. I LOVE red lipstick but have never felt that it suited me. She and the other sales person said it looked fantastic - but they're on commission so not sure if their opinion counts.

Here are two photos, which do you like best - red or nude? *poll to the right* Keep in mind that I don't have any foundation on and was hot, so face wouldn't normally look as 'ruddy'. I don't usually hold my mouth like a dork either!!!

Sunday

2007-11-18T11:22:00.000+03:00

B = scrambled eggs with smoked salmon and chives; coffee
S = coffee
L = turkey breast and coleslaw
S = few potato crisps; soy rooibos; chocolate; turkey breast
D = skipped to make up for snacking all afternoon
Ex = none

Seriously have to pick the game up. Need to exercise more and eat well.

Saturday Bliss

2007-11-18T04:20:00.000+03:00

B = whey shake; soy rooibos
S = keto bar; soy latte
L = chilli edamame; ruby grapefruit and chicken salad; fruit/vege raw juice
S = keto bar; roy latte
D = seafood buffet + cheeses and fruit

What a great day & I stuck to the plan - a totally green day!!!

MIL and 2 x BILs came to visit, help out and say their "goodbyes". They looked after Lilli and I took the train down to SYDNEY to go to a bra shop that's caters to 'larger sizes'.

Got fitted for a bra 16L!!! OMG!!! They didn't have any in 'stock' so hopefully the order they place will arrive before I leave. Where do Pamela Anderson and Jordan get their sexy bras? I am telling you, there is 'nothing' sexy in a 16L.

After the fitting (took a while) had a wander around and was thrilled to find a restaurant that I had read a review on, about a year ago - Wagamama' http://www.wagamama.com.au/ I would describe it as Japanese health food. Great food, great service and best of all - uninterrupted. Sat and ate and read my book (Eat, Pray, Love) which is shaping up to be a fun read.

Then went clothes shopping at the huge Myer. I have dropped about 3 dress sizes so it was quite a pleasant experience. Got a pair of red pants and a red top for Christmas. A dress that I love, but am not sure about - perhaps I could try a poll on that too. My husband was always good to give an honest answer, but he's not much use being so far away.

Dinner at a local resort. Seafood buffet. Very yummy oysters, lobster and crab mmmmmmm. Pleasant company too.

A LOVELY day.

Thursday

2007-11-15T13:17:00.000+03:00

B = coffee *should have had something*
S = coffee
L = left over taco mince; coleslaw
S = turkey breast; 2 x keto bar; soy rooibos
D = tiger prawns; coleslaw; garlic bok choy
S = soy rooibos; keto bar

Too many keto bars today

Wednesday

2007-11-14T10:35:00.000+03:00

B = scrambled eggs with chives; soy rooibos
S = soy decaf
L = shrimp salad
S = turkey breast; cheese
D = tacos; sliver of chocolate slice; peanuts
W = 6
Ex = 20 min cardio; uper boddy weights; 100 situps

Getting better. Really need to work on the binge eating around dinnertime.

Tuesday 13 November tracker

2007-11-13T02:42:00.000+03:00

B = scrambled eggs with chives and tomatoes; rooibos & soy
S = biiig handful of almonds (way more than the suggested 10); soy latte
L = cold cuts and salad; skim milk latte
S = pork crackling
D = ham off the bone; avocado; coleslaw; green salad (OK but...then added...) Lilli's left over snitzchel; blueberries and cream (probably not the best meal for staying in ketosis)
W = 5
Ex = none

Want to have a totally green day tomorrow.

Nose Piercing

2007-11-12T11:39:00.000+03:00

I would love to have my nose pierced, but am 43 and am wondering if it would look a bit tragic? Let me know what you think - vote on my poll (just on the right there).

2007-11-12T11:17:00.000+03:00

Oh how the universe likes to be a leveler. Just when I thought things were going well - and I'm sure i wasn't 'cocky' - a total blowout. Pizza, bread, cake, chocolate. I ate for two days, and then suffered for 2 and a half. I felt sick, tired, aching and even my liver hurt. I just can't eat like that anymore.

So I need a new approach. I am going to keep a daily tracker here on the blog. I so hate writing about bad news, and feel so 'good' when I can write something positive. Worth a try anyway...

B = grilled egg, bacon and tomato; rooibos tea & soy a
S = rooibos tea & soy a
L = salad, calamari, butter chicken, stirfried tofu, cappuchino *not great*
S = nothing r
D = prawn omlette & ceasar salad
Ex= 20 mins cardio / full set of weights / walked dog a
W = didn't drink enough water r

Challenge within a challenge re-visited.

2007-11-05T02:27:00.000+03:00

Three weeks left!

If I want to reach my goal, then this will require a loss of almost 2kg a week. Tricky...but it can be done! It WILL be done!

reward

2007-11-05T02:24:00.000+03:00

Loving pastels!

CHALLENGE WITHIN A CHALLENGE

2007-10-23T23:41:00.000+03:00

Ok, if I am going to reach my goal of getting beloow 100 before leaving for Bahrain, then I am going to have to step up the pace a bit.

Am going to try out a little mini challenge - just 5 days.

Ketoslim shakes 2 x a day (salad with one)
Low fat low carb meal 1 x day.
Almonds, soy decaf or shake for snacks.
Exercise at least 30 mins every day.

Current weight: 106.5

Hope to lose 2kg by next weigh in on Monday. Will buy myself a set of hard pastels and pencils pastels if I can achieve this.

LOSIN' IT - NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

2007-09-30T15:39:00.000+03:00

What a week. Lilli's 4th birthday party, end of term reports and assessment, tying up loose ends as I hand over the co-ordinating role at work + a house full of tradesmen and relatives. I have completely fallen off the wagon. Am not looking forward to weighing in tomorrow, I know it is going to be a gain, and that will be hard. As soon as I go off the program I start craving carbs/sugar, and find it so hard to get back on track. I have been trying usuccessfully for four days now.

On a more positive note, I no longer have a 'homestay student'. This is a relief and frees me up a lot. I feel I have a lot more available time. Also an email from DH this week was wonderful news. He has decided that I should spend the first 6 months after arriving in Bahrain, not working. Thinks it would be in 'our' best interest for me to focus entirely on getting heathy and losing weight.

I would really like to do this for both of us. Our relationship started online, and although I had told him I was overweight, it would have been more appropriate to say obese. I had sent him photos of me but they were three years old at the time. He has never seen me (RT) not seriously overweight. He was expecting me to be bigger than in the photos, but not as big as I was. I am even bigger now. I would love to be that healthy, energetic woman that wore interesting clothes again - for both of us. I was hoping that I could have lost enough weight to have at least looked OK in a pretty summer dress as I step off the plane in Bahrain - that looks pretty unlikely now. *sigh*

WEEK 3 GOALS

2007-09-17T14:11:00.000+03:00

* continue to drink at least 2l of water daily
* exercise at least once every day
* follow the rules of ketosystem including taking supplements
* fill in my intake diary daily
* make and follow a menu
* deal with stress in a positive non-eating way
* improve on week 2

I have changed my first 5 kg reward. I found this bag on ebay and I want it. There are 8 days left on the auction, and if I can reach a 5 kg loss by next weigh in I will bid on it! It will need to be a 3.2kg loss though. EEEK!

WEEK 3

2007-09-17T13:57:00.001+03:00

starting weight: 111.3
current weight: 110.8
weight loss: 0.5

* continue to drink at least 2l of water daily - doing well with this and it is getting easier
* exercise at least once every day - did reasonably well but didn't exercise in the weekend
* follow the rules of ketosystem - nooo, several little binge eating episodes
* fill in my intake diary daily - nope, not even close
* listen to my hypnosis/meditation cd nightly - yes!
* to generally do better than week 1 - yes!

Although it is pretty frustrating that I have not been able to stick to my plan, I do need to keep reminding myself that I am improving each week.

WEEK 2 GOALS

2007-09-10T13:08:00.000+03:00

continue to drink at least 2l of water daily

exercise at least once every day even if only 15 mins

follow the rules of ketosystem

fill in my intake diary daily

listen to my hypnosis/meditation cd nightly

to generally do better than week 1

My reward is only 4.5 kg away.

WEEK 1

2007-09-10T12:57:00.000+03:00

starting weight: 111.3
current weight: 110.8
weight loss: 0.5

WEEK 1 GOALS FEEDBACK

drink at least 2l of water daily - didn't quite get there everyday, but overall quite good
walk the dog every morning - poor doggy, I should be doing this for her as much as for me. With Tim away, this is most certainly the highlight of her day. Only managed to walk her 2 days. MUST try to increase this.
something do my pilates dvd at least twice - no
follow the rules of ketosystem - not brilliant, but did manage to get back into ketosis.
fill in my intake diary daily - nup
listen to my hypnosis/meditation cd nightly -yes, did good here. Not sure if it is doing any good in terms of weight loss, but is certainly relaxing. haven't heard to the end of it yet!

MY WEIGHT GAIN STORY

2007-09-07T14:21:00.000+03:00

I am curvy and so wish I had enjoyed my curves as much as the boys did when I was younger. Although I had always wanted to be thinner, in retrospect I didn't have a real weight problem until about 7 years ago. I was 35 at the time and living in Vietnam. I was gradually getting over a passionate but dysfunctional relationship and the wounds were still raw. My wonderful grandmother had also recently died. I just started putting on lots of weight, I exercised like crazy, somewhat improved my eating, but still, continued to put on weight. I left Vietnam a year later, very overweight and depressed. Quitting smoking a few months later added more weight, as did the antidepressants. Visits to several Drs found nothing significantly wrong. Counsellors suggested that it was psychological - 'a protective layer', my body's response to sexual abuse. Seven years and one child later I am obese and unfit. I again visited the Dr (a new one). A series of tests showed 'fatty liver' and suspected PCOS - which in turn indicates insulin resistance. My Dr has put me on a low carb protein diet. I have lost about 5kgs and over the next 12 weeks will see if this approach is going to finally work for me. Fingers crossed.

STARTING THE 12 WEEK CHALLENGE

2007-09-07T12:35:00.000+03:00

starting weight:
111.3kg
goal weight:
70kg
weight to lose:
41.3kg
12 week challenge goals:

to be at least 10kg lighter
to be feeling fitter and much more energetic
to be habitually eating healthier and consuming adequate amount of water
to look nice in a sweet summer dress (husbands fantasy) when getting off the plane in Bahrain at Christmas

REWARDS

2007-08-31T16:26:00.000+03:00

5kg - facial and head massage

10kg - funky new luggage

15kg - hair extensions

20 kg - nose piercing

25kg - spa treatment

30 kg - weekend holiday alone

35kg - new wardrobe

40 kg - romantic resort holiday

2007-08-29T11:19:00.000+03:00

THINGS I NEED TO DO BEFORE STARTING THE CHALLENGE:

organise

use up or get rid of all temptations in the kitchen getting there
make up a two week menu plan
make appointment with naturopath done
set up a task list of things to do daily to reduce stress
restart my blog done

get

clarins cleanser, toner and moisturiser (and get the free gift!) got

pilates dvd got

pedometer got

accurate scales got

stock ingredients for 'too tired to cook' nights

pair of tracksuit pants for walking got

guided meditation cd got

start

drinking more water yes
setting mini goals and rewards done
cutting out sugar and high GI yes